Recently I was asked to go on a trip for someone who is important to me and something felt off. Knowing myself, being a true Libra sun, Aquarius moon and Libra rising (i.e. call me Aang because I'm an airhead), I need time to contemplate and check-in before I give an answer that is genuine, otherwise I have a tendency to back out or put myself in situations where I'm miserable. So I said to leave the idea with me for a couple of days and that I would get back to them.
Now I came to the conclusion, after using lots of different tools to process and get grounded, that the answer was a no.
I started by going for a walk to clear my head. I also knew that I wouldn't be able to clear my head just with a walk, so I took out the Notes app on my phone and wrote down a bunch of what was meant to be a pro's and con's list. Instead, I just wrote out how I felt and my thoughts about the decision. No bargaining, no playing devil's advocate. Raw, real thoughts and feelings.
When I really looked at these thoughts and feelings, it was clear that I didn't want to go. So why couldn't I listen to this? Why was my mind so full that I couldn't get to the truth of what I wanted and needed?
Emily Oster, an economist and author, mentions that the best way to make a decision is to get the facts (or the pro's and con's) and then weigh the facts based on how important they are to you, or how they make you feel.
As I started to go through this list of thoughts and feelings to weigh them, I accidentally clicked the delete button and ALL of the notes disappeared except for one line. I won't write this line out fully for the sake of privacy, however the most important part of the sentence is not the context but the beginning of the sentence, which read:
"I don't want to..."
In that moment I realised that that is enough. That has to be enough. "I don't want to" needs to be enough of a reason for me not to go. If my imaginary child came up to me and said "I don't want to go on the seesaw today" I would listen, I might ask why they feel that way, I might show them the possibility that it could be fun, and if they still felt the same way on the seesaw, I would say "that's okay, I understand" and love them regardless.
But in my mind, I had all kinds of critics in my head not showing me any love. Full of "should's" and "could's" and judgement and obligation.
Once I realised this, I turned on my Life Coaching hat. I asked myself:
What if it's okay not to want to go?
What if it's okay not to go?
What if that is all perfectly okay?
What would that mean if that's perfectly okay?
That would mean that I wouldn't have to make up a bunch of reasons to go, or not to go
I wouldn't feel like I have to explain myself
I wouldn't have to feel bad or responsible
I wouldn't have to bargain or barter with myself in ways I can "make it up" to them
It would mean I'm listening to myself
Having compassion for myself
Loving myself.
When we choose to slow our thoughts done, say by writing, we reveal our truth.
When we read our thoughts slowly, we reveal a truth we didn't know existed.
We separate the fog from the trees.
And when we hold ourselves with compassion, decisions no longer seem so hard, or overwhelming or right or wrong.
You feel peace, not anxiety.
Suddenly you have become the loving Divine Mother voice you needed your whole life, and don't need to out-source your decision-making.
Suddenly decisions become easy.
I've spent so long trying to be like other people, who can make decisions on the fly and be okay with that decision. Sometimes I am that person, other times I am not, especially with bigger commitments. Live your life according to your needs, not to others'.
It is up to you to choose to slow down, to take time out to process these moments.
To move your body.
To shake up your energy.
To release your emotions.
To become the voice of love.
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If you want to learn more about embodying that compassionate, loving energy, I would love to connect with you, as I am taking on 1:1 clients very soon in a completely new, authentic and affordable way. Much love <3
Ash xx
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