Confidence is not what you think it is.
Confidence is not fitting a size 6.
Confidence is not feeling superior to everyone else.
Confidence is not wearing tight-fitted clothes, a bold lip colour or posting bikini pictures.
Confidence is also not wearing spanx under your dress or high-waisted swim bottoms so you can stand tall, nor a push up bra to seem perkier.
Confidence is not professional photography in lingerie (#speakingfromexperience, re: ^^ )
Confidence is not hairless legs, or lash extensions or lip fillers or make-up.
I would argue that ever fitting a size 6 is impossible for some body builds, that feeling superior to everyone else is false-security, and that wearing spanx, a push up bra and getting those other treatments done usually stem from a feeling of insecurity rather than confidence. But this is what we all seem to want or do.
The point I made about "hairless legs" and "lash extensions" is a big thing for me to say considering I work in the beauty industry. And this is why it can be hard to get my voice out there, because it is SO polar opposite to the status quo, to what people think beauty therapy is about, to the terminology professionals say that you should use to market and bring clients in.
Advertising is 80% emotion and 20% practical which ACTUALLY means that its 80% manipulating you into finding a problem in your appearance and 20% of their solution, which of course only their product can fix.
It sickens me. I got into the beauty industry because I enjoyed laying down for 30 minutes after school while someone pampered me. That has always been my intention for serving the community. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate other therapists or clinicians that have the "make problem/provide solution" mentality, I have sympathy for them. I think it's sad that people can get so distracted by money that they become so unaware of the impact they're leaving on their community, and unknowingly on their on psyche too...
True confidence is choosing to be EMPOWERED.
True confidence is basking in another woman's beauty without any traces of feeling inferior, admiring her power without making it mean anything about you.
True confidence comes from learning to hold yourself when you are uncomfortable time and time again so that one day in the future that thing that bothered you suddenly just... doesn't. Feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Let me give you an example.
Before I give you this example, I want you to put your judgement aside, just for a moment. I have found over the years that because I am petite, people easily discard any experience I've had with body image or insecurity, simply because I'm not overweight. I want to make it clear that every-single-body can experience struggles with their body image, so let's not shame people, or me, for their/our experiences.
When I was 16, I had a tonne of intolerances and auto-immune issues that I was still trying to figure out so I was ALWAYS bloated. No joke--6 months pregnant bloated. Sometimes larger. Luckily my school shirts hid that.
When I went to my friend's semi-formal, that was the first time I wore Spanx, which if you're unaware of what Spanx are you must be Gen Z so first of all welcome to my crib and secondly, they're like those Kim K Skins or whatever they're called: Shapewear.
I started wearing them under all my clothes, and eventually going to the beach became a huge stressor for me because you cannot wear shapewear to swim at the beach. So I wouldn't eat before going to the beach. I wouldn't eat before going clubbing. Even until age 21 I felt and acted this way.
I took some small action steps to change this, which felt big at the time. I:
read You Are Enough by Cassie Mendoza-Jones
unfollowed a bunch of influencers that were all bikini or fashion pics and no beneficial content
followed people like @saggysara, @breeelenehan and @josephinelivin
did some mindset shift exercises and journalling (which actually became tools I used with Life Coaching clients)
started moving my body regularly
And whilst that all accumulated to help me gain a better relationship to my mental, emotional and physical wellbeing, the REAL changes actually happened:
When I threw out the Spanx.
When I stopped shaving my stomach hair.
When I showed up to the beach time and time again in bikini's, feeling anxious and insecure, thinking everyone is looking at my hairy round stomach. Repeatedly. Getting used to that feeling. Learning to settle those intrusive thoughts.
When I stopped wearing push up bra's, and bra's altogether.
When I stopped buying clothes with the intention of covering up my insecure areas and instead buying them because I liked the pattern, or thought they were cute, or because I wanted them.
When I stopped avoiding food before events and binge-eating when emotional.
When I started taking care of my body through regular massages, nutritious meals, and regular movement with the intention of health and wellness rather than losing weight.
When I started using mantra's and mindfulness to keep my mind in the present moment rather than in my head thinking terrible thoughts about my appearance.
When I started loving my body by looking into the mirror and actively trying to find and list the parts I liked about me.
When I started thanking my body for all that it does for me, all that it allows me to do, be and have, actively and behind the scenes.
When I learned how to hold myself, going through NLP practices and letting myself cry it out, self-soothing and letting go.
And I used all of these, in a different way, for my thoughts and feelings around entrepreneurship too.
All those little beginner things I listed--they were the flint to the fire of self-love: when starting from scratch, they were necessary. But the REAL, DEEP, TRUE change happened through exposure therapy. Through Bold Actions. Through deciding that I will no longer be held captive by my own perception of myself and by getting rid of all the little problems that are holding me back from enjoying the experience of being in my own skin.
And even now, even though I'm fitter, being on the petite side, it can be easy to see what I ate for breakfast IF you're looking (also because my first meal of the day is usually the biggest...). I simply just don't pay attention to those thoughts anymore because I know that bellies are supposed to protrude. How do you expect 4.5 metres of intestines behind your belly skin to sit flat like an A4 piece of paper? AND THEN you expect any food that is being digested for you (as in, without any effort on your behalf) so that you can absorb nutrients and actually LIVE all those wonderful experiences like love and joy without hassle, to just not exist? IT'S ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS... And yet, we have all thought it.
And I'm still finding even more ways to love my body and my mind. Change doesn't happen overnight, and this is something that will come up again throughout our lives.
The reason this whole post started is because I posted a poll on Instagram after being triggered by someone on social media. I took myself through a process where I met with the part of me that was triggered. She was dirty, ugly, clothes torn, cowered in the dark. Real Nanny McPhee meets Gollum vibes...
I brought her forward and sat with her. To her, I was a giant, a big beautiful one, and she cowered at my presence. I shrunk down to her size, to show her I am just like her. I told her to look in the mirror. I was looking through her point of view now. I cried at this point. Then I asked her to thank her feet for allowing her to walk. To thank her toes for stabilising her. Thank you ankles for bearing all my weight. Thank you legs for carrying me to all the places I've ever been. I kept working up my body, all the way. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And I cried a f*ck-tonne more.
Suddenly there was no difference between me and this other version of me. We were one. We were present in the room. Overcome with emotion. And so incredibly thankful for my body. When I slowly sat up to fetch some water, two pieces of wisdom came to me out of nowhere that I want to share with you to finish off this post...
You have what she has, she has what you have. You are not above her, she is not above you. You are all equals.
and, most importantly...
REMEMBER. YOUR. POWER.
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It would make me so SO incredibly happy if you could share this post to Facebook, Instagram or in an e-mail to your friends! As I said, it's hard to get my voice and message out there when there is so much noise to filter through on the internet.
And it would make me EVEN happier if this post allowed you to see or feel something new and you'd like to let me know! You can find me on insta @ashsbeautytherapy and @ashlopezherbaut, whichever tickles your fancy.
Much love,
Ash xx
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