Have you ever said things like:
"I just don't get along with other girls"
"Girls are bitchy"
"I prefer hanging out with guys"
"There's always drama with girls"
"I'm not a girl's girl"
I know I have, a lot. Here's what we really mean:
"My previous experiences with girls has led me to believe that other girls cannot be trusted."
Maybe we believe they cannot be trusted to keep personal secrets, to give us good advice, to be our definition of loyal, to accept us as we are, to hold our emotional pain, to hold their own emotional pain, to be selfless, to be our saviour, to listen, to not take our men, to drop criticism or negativity, or to just have simple plain old fun. Either way, it is not their gender that is the problem, it is the way that they act. Men can be like this too, yet we don't hold it against them in friendship (we do in partnership, which is a whole topic in and of itself).
We create this divide in order to protect ourselves, but in reality we are hiding. We are scared to meet new girls, form new friendships, have meaningful or adult relationships with women because we think they suck or they're doing it wrong--but what if we're wrong?
If we want to have friends and find the girls we like, we would do the work--give people a chance, speak honestly and calmly, be vulnerable even if they can't be there for us in the way we want, be ourselves without needing their acceptance, show them what it means to listen, show them how to not focus on negativity and criticism. The right people for you will keep coming back to you (and hopefully learn from interactions with you), even if you do not entertain their drama. It is ridiculous to think that we will work on ourselves for our relationships but not for friendships.
What If You're the Girl That Sucks?
We think its the dramatic, bitchy, cheating, man-stealing girls that suck (and yes, those traits really suck) but being the girl that is held back by limiting beliefs and past experiences sucks too. It is lonely, painful and creates more negativity than it does help us. You eventually become the type of person that you dislike. You ma'am, are no girl's girl either. #facts
You know what it is like in this world to be a girl--we can be taken advantage of, doubted, ignored, told we're not important enough, believe we're not good enough, we're scared of the same things, we've been hurt before. We also grew up with the same fairy-tales to look up to (even if they have terrible representations of women), the same TV shows influenced us, the same men and women were our teenage crushes, the same music shaped us, and we experienced puberty in a similar way. These are the reasons why we should support each other. We don't always need to relate to and support each other based on negativity too, which I know a lot of us do. I would argue this is more destructive for us. Very similar experiences are shared between women, and not all men can relate. To say we don't need women in our lives is to deny and reject ourselves.
If you encounter a girl who is bitchy, instead of reacting negatively and instantly labelling her a bitch, ask yourself why she might be that way. Maybe she does it to protect herself from hurt, maybe she does it because it was the only way people would hear what she has to say, maybe she's insecure in being her true self. Nobody who feels safe puts up walls. Find a way that you can relate to this girl, do not put up walls yourself. This does not mean you need to be friends with her. This is for YOU, so you stop creating negativity towards a person for the way they act, and so you stop being the person that is creating the problem. That is what we do when we judge other girls, we are creating the problem, the divide. Let's bridge the gap.
Most people may have too much pride to be the bigger person, but I have found that that is the best way to live, even if it is painful and scary. I am becoming honest in a kind but direct way, I am becoming vulnerable and honest about my experiences, I try to hold my own pain and work through it so I can help others, I talk about my pain, I try to find common ground with other girls, I no longer call myself "a guy's girl." Yes I like the conversations I have with my guy friends, but I'm slowly trying to integrate that into my female friendships too. I want educate and learn, I want to share my interests regardless if girls like them or not, and I try not to take anything personally. I try. That is all we can do. We will make mistakes, we may not do it right the first time round, or the 9th, but what matters is that we keep trying to bridge the gap. Women need each other now more than ever.
This post is not about jumping onto the whole "men suck" bandwagon either. To me, true feminism is about supporting women and does not include bringing down men. Believe it or not, there is room for both of us. There is room for all of us, regardless of gender, race, cultural identity, religion. We don't have to tear one group down to build the other up. So to the men reading this, we hear you, we love you, we support you, we will educate you, we will defend you and we ask that you do the same for us.
The biggest advice I can give you, regardless of gender, is to learn more about you and question your current beliefs about a wide range of topics, specifically in this instance about women. Be aware of how you act, react and talk, and try to make changes for the better.
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