What are the parts of your partner that you don't like? Are they too emotional for your liking? Are you scared of their ability to let loose?
Those qualities that you dislike and reject of your partner are the parts that you reject in yourself. Let that sink in.
I'll work with the examples above. It is common for the masculine to believe that their feminine counterparts are too emotional. They reject the emotion within themselves, and seeing their partner be vulnerable, showing all of themselves as they are is scary, unsafe and unpredictable. This is what they believe of their partners experience but also what they believe of themselves, so they put up walls, judging their partners for being emotional, because judgement keeps us at a distance. To allow that emotion, even in our partners, means we have to be okay sitting with it in ourselves.
The second example is controlling a partner who seems out of control. It is a reflection of a part of oneself that scares us--one that is free of restraint, control and is wild. Freedom is unpredictable, spontaneous, fun even and for some it feels unsafe. Logic would have you believe that control means safety, which it does not. To let others be free is to allow ourselves the same scary pleasure.
In both situations, it is fear based on control. Both examples show our struggles with not being able to control a situation or other people. A rejection of emotional freedom and personal freedom.
Where Does This Come From?
Rejecting this idea that our partners reflect the qualities within us that we don't like is the inability to acknowledge the fear of ourselves. Without acknowledging our fears, we get distracted by them and continue to spiral deeper, instead of being able to step back and learn to give ourselves a bit of peace.
The reason that we reject or try to control others (and ourselves) is largely based on our experiences thus far. The relationships we've had with family, friends, past partners, the relationships we've witnessed between others, the stories we've been told, the manner we felt we have had to have in order to survive.
For example, although I have had stable parental figures in my life, I have abandonment issues and used to try to control the outcome in relationships. This stems from stories I heard of my parents and grandparents relationships growing up--my beliefs around relationships were that you can be hurt, abandoned, betrayed, rejected at any moment no matter the circumstances and that people will stick around pretending for long time even if they don't want to be there. Those beliefs, paired with my experiences in relationships, produced the fear that I am not really loved, that being left and betrayed is inevitable, that others WILL hurt me. It was a story I believed for a long time and try to rewrite constantly!
These beliefs and experiences meant that I became mistrusting, I was hyper-aware of any changes in relationships, I needed to be reassured constantly that I was loved and if I couldn't control a situation, I was a mess. Whilst I work very hard to change the story there involving others as the protagonist, I continue to reject that there is any part of me that would hurt or abandon others, even though I am very capable of doing so. The more I reject that I am indeed a human being capable of making harmful decisions, the more I control myself, judge myself and judge others to keep us a distance. Ultimately it is a rejection of myself and prevents me from the nice calming feeling that freedom and peace can bring.
You have the ability to find out where your need to control comes from too if you're willing to dive deep. It might be the only way you can work on changing it.
How Do You Work On That?
I stopped giving into the fear and control. Whenever I feel scared or the intense need to control, I step back out of my thoughts and focus on my feelings. I acknowledge all the emotions I'm feeling in that moment and I let them out. I'll cry for as long as I need, sometimes even laying wrapped up in bed cuddling a pillow. I'll ask Chas for a silent cuddle. I might scream or throw a pillow if I'm feeling angry (always followed by shame and crying, I'm an angry-shame crier). Nothing needs to be fixed, the emotion just needs to be let out. Then when I feel that I am all done letting it out, I pick myself up, move my body to switch up the energy, pop some music on, sing along to get the vibe up and try to focus on being present. It doesn't get rid of the feelings, but it enables me to step out of a pit of despair with the possibility of having fun.
The more we give in to the need to control others or ourselves, the more scared we get. It feeds the fear and rejection of the fact the we, like everybody else, are only human. In doing so, we don't give ourselves the opportunity to learn how to NOT be scared. Choose differently next time. Try out different ways of handling situations beyond your control, you want to find the one that leaves you feeling most calm.
Re-Writing the Story
Acknowledging what you feel and where it comes from is huge in re-writing the beliefs you have. What comes next is surrounding yourself with real life examples of people and relationships that do what you have not--that are free to be themselves, that don't run by any rules but the ones that they choose to make. There is nothing more inspiring than being in the presence of people that are willing to be authentic, be vulnerable and honest, own their life story and choose to live a better life because of it.
Jordanna Levin has an exercise in her book Make It Happen where you set a timer for 10 minutes and write freely a new story on your life until the timer goes off. It is meant to be set in present tense as if the life you want is already happening for you and needs to focus on positives rather than negatives. For example, it is not "I am no longer scared when x happens" but choosing a positive to replace it. "I feel y when x happens." You're rewiring your brain for a positive perspective in the process!
Things You Need to Hear
It is okay to feel things fully.
There is no need to run, or hide, or distract yourself from your feelings. It is safe to sit with yourself.
You can feel for as long as you need, and let go when you are ready to. It is not a permanent state of being. You do not have to stay stuck there, you do not have to leave in a hurry--it is entirely up to you.
It is okay to be scared of trusting others.
It is safe to trust others.
It is safe to trust yourself.
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