This is yin to the yang of my last blog post. It was also really hard to write because I too struggle with implementing these tools for balance and life satisfaction. I've been listening to Dr. Brene Brown interviews all day (for those of you that don't know, she's a researcher and storyteller on shame and vulnerability) and I realised that if I only ever spoke about things that I've perfected, I'd never speak, so you can thank her for this post!
Creating boundaries in difficult times, acknowledging core life values, healthy habits, making more time, taking breaks and checking-in with my emotions and making changes have all been useful tools for me in finding my feet and I am so incredibly sure they can help you too.
Boundaries - what, how, when?
Boundaries are where you draw the line for yourself to prevent overload. These boundaries should, however, be malleable. Imagine a boundary as less of a confining metal box and more of a fluid bubble that can shift, move, change, and only be popped by you when you’re ready.
In fact, you already have boundaries that you don't know about. Has anyone ever asked you to do something out of your way, you say yes even though some part of you wants to say no? Your body tightens, you get agitated and you might even carry that frustrated feeling with you for the rest of the day. This is a moment where a boundary of yours has been crossed.
You have to be aware of when you want to say yes or no (this comes with listening to your body’s prompts), remember that it is okay to change your mind and you have to learn how to actually say no. It takes practise, and you can't really pre-prepare for it in the moment. You also cannot successfully have boundaries without communication—these two go hand in hand. This might involve telling people that you’re trying to find the right balance, or that you’re struggling with life, or finding a calm, kind, yet direct way of saying no.
You can’t pour from an empty cup—you come first, only then are you able to give your best to others. Boundaries are not hard rules nor blockades for you to hide behind, boundaries are a kindness and compassion for yourself in difficult times. They can always be moved, but only by you.
In relationships, boundaries might look like setting up phone calls once a week, or a catch up every x amount of weeks. In your professional life, boundaries might look like stopping work (no matter what) at 5pm every evening or saying no to helping others when your plate is too full. In your personal life, boundaries might look like asking to be left alone for an hour while you do your own thing, or setting a timer for finishing up a hobby (I can’t be the only one that struggles with getting hyper-focussed and neglecting my other needs). In health, boundaries might look like only eating fast food once a week or taking mental health days. You get to pick and choose, and know that finding your boundaries is up to trial and error. Try some out, if they don’t work, try something different.
"Creating boundaries is a central factor in maintaining balance within our lives."
Lewis Howes
Establishing YOUR Balance
In Part 1 of this blog post, I talked about the benefit of routine, but in order to establish any form of routine that works, we must know what to prioritise as well as what we already prioritise. The areas of life that we commonly value are: Relationships, Professional life, Personal life, Health and Spirituality.
Relationships = family, friends, partner, socialising
Professional = working, your job, career progression, income
Personal = hobbies, interests, self-care, rest, needs, growth
Health = physical health and ability, mental state, emotional state
Spirituality = purpose, meaning in life
Think about your current routine (you may have already written it out from the example in Part 1), however unstructured it may be. What value from above do you spend the most time on?... Now imagine the life you want to live: what values does this life prioritise?
Oftentimes if we feel unsettled, lost, out of balance, it is because the life we are living does not align with the life we want to live.
Pick an area that you value but don’t make much time for. I’ll pick Health.
What are some boundaries I need to establish in this area? Limiting fast food to once a week maximum, no dessert after dinner, less time scrolling on social media, changing the way I talk about my body.
What are some really small ways I can incorporate more of this value into my life? Being present, reading self-help books, listening to meditations, movements (HIIT, yoga), listening to podcasts on physical health or neuroscience, eating fresh foods—new recipes.
Now we just need to figure out how to implement these for the long run.
Habit Formation
Habit is the effortless way of creating routine. I say effortless, but really, if we have never prioritised certain things or we didn’t see those things prioritised growing up, we are going to have a hard time incorporating it. Bruce Lipton and Dr. Andrew Huberman talk about this in detail. When we push through the discomfort, once we make it through a hard task, we are rewarded with dopamine. It is subtle but it’s there, if you’re willing to notice. The struggle disappears. This is an internal reward and form of intrinsic motivation that is crucial for sustaining habits. Reward, alongside consistency and reminders are how we stick to a new action. I’ve started following the 3 R’s which I found from James Clear.
Pick an action from before, where you listed small ways to incorporate a chosen value into your life. This is an action that you want to make a habit. E.g. being present.
Find an intrinsic reward from doing this action. E.g. mental health and clarity, pride, learning something new, dopamine.
Pick one action you already do daily—this will be a trigger/reminder for you to take action on your habit. E.g. when I brush my teeth, I will practise being present. When I make a cup of tea. When I scroll on my phone for too long.
And repeat. Do this daily for two months and soon it will become effortless. At this point, you’re choosing to create a life you enjoy.
Again With the Time Thing
You might be thinking “I came here to find a way to balance my life, not add more tasks to it.” In this regard, I’ll touch back on a point I made in Part 1 of this blog post: creating time.
Would you wake up earlier if it meant you got to spend some time connecting with your partner?
Instead of scrolling on social media or working during your break, would you make a pumped up playlist during your break at work that will get you in the right energy to work out when you get home?
Maybe you'd just stop working on your break, sit there and be present.
Would you start listening/find new podcasts on your career if it helped you with work, or grow your career?
What if we stopped work at a specific time and never worked after, even if things aren't finished and learned to sit with the discomfort of an unfinished job (a healthy boundary right here)!
I made the decision, as hard as it was for a non-morning person like me, to wake up earlier. Most days I wake up at 6:30am, giving myself 2 hours to fit in more of the things I value or incorporate new habits.
Rather than complaining and continuing to feel super tired from waking up early, I tried to find new ways to make that better. I might go to bed earlier, not watch TV in my room, stay off the phone, have a cup of relaxing tea.
It all comes down to a mindset shift. Are you willing to make changes? Are you willing to get out of your comfort zone? Are you willing to search for the answers? Are you willing to use trial and error to create the life that you want?
Know When To Take A Break (and that it's okay)
This past weekend, my partner took a day off. For those of you that don’t know he is a teacher, so work always come home with him too. He’s not one to take a day off if he’s feeling a little under the weather or burnt out, he is indeed superman, but this time he did (super super proud fiancé over here). It inspired me to stop working. Working from home, I always have my mind ticking about things to do next.
We both decided that this weekend we were only going to do things that were fun and relaxing. Anything that did not sit in that category, we did not do (and that's on boundaries). It was the first time in a long time I allowed myself to relax without guilt. I stumbled across an old TV show I used to love and revelled in the nostalgia. Chas felt inspired to play music and games. It was a total mental reset that few of us take but many of us need.
In a society that thrives on productivity and stress, we are often scared to take time off unless it is for a special occasion. Even when we do take time off, we can continue the burn out if we don’t truly relax. I encourage you to find one day once a month or so where you do absolutely nothing. If it gets to the point where you can’t take a day off because even if you try to relax you’re stuck in a thinking pattern about your responsibilities, I would argue that you need MORE time off—more practise for learning to relax.
At the end of the day, we are out the mercy of our own minds. We can stress or complain until the cows come home, but if we don’t choose change, if we shy away from taking action, we’re not giving ourselves the opportunity to enjoy our lives.
Check-In With Yourself
Is this struggle to do it all about the tasks or is it about something else? Are you avoiding emotions, situations, confrontations? More importantly, are you okay? We resort to drugs and alcohol, food, and filling up our time as away of avoiding how we really feel, or to make us relax. Acknowledging when these become our crutches can be scary, and so too is making changes.
The way I look at it is that pain or discomfort drives us to take action—either helpful, or harmful. Helpful looks like checking in with how we feel and using that emotion to make life easier by establishing boundaries, using it as motivation to face our fears or change. Harmful looks like addiction, avoidance, a never-ending hustle, never taking a break, staying in situations that no longer serve us, deep stress, insomnia, depression.
I am the biggest advocate for reading self-help, listening to professionals on podcasts, seeing holistic therapists and psychologists. These are also helpful actions you can take, and places you can get advice if you don’t find the answers here.
Don’t forget to change your life as you change, and make it one you want to live.
Figure out what you value. Notice where you're taking time for granted. Make time for those thins you value. Create boundaries as you steady yourself in to a new routine. Move boundaries as you need to. Communicate with your loved ones. Reach out for support. Take breaks. Enjoy your life.
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