The other day, I asked my husband to look after me.
Have you ever asked your partner to do that before: can you take care of me today?
The night before, I had asked him if he would be willing to vacuum the house tomorrow. To which he said yes.
Have you ever asked your partner to do something you usually would do--actually asking and hoping, rather than criticising or expecting?
It was scary. I had a little anxiety over it. Why?
For me, it was this fear of speaking up out of a belief that I don't deserve to be nurtured. My mind could have made up a million and one stories about how he does so much for our relationship already, that I shouldn't burden him with my needs, even though I could feel myself becoming unwell and even though I knew he was in a better space than me.
Let me be clear--this post is not talking to the people that find it easy to ask for help--I'm talking to the people who struggle to ask for what they need, who try to do everything themselves, who never share when their at burn out point or who tell people what to do rather than ASK for assistance.
It is VULNERABLE to be asking for help and it challenges what we think we believe about relationships. This modernised idea that we don't need each other, that we shouldn't rely on the help or aid of another person, even if we're struggling a little.
Somewhere beyond "girl boss society" and "only women are nurturers" is this metaphysical reality called LOVE.
Yes, that thing that exists between partners, family, friends and even co-workers.
Do you know what happened when I asked my husband to look after me?
He kissed me.
No response (~insert anxiety here~).
A few minutes later, he came back with a handful of vitamins and water.
He asked me if I wanted some leftover soup. If I wanted extra food. And he brought it all to me.
An hour later, he tidied up and vacuumed.
This is what is POSSIBLE for you when you speak up with kindness, authenticity, hope without expectation, trust, and love. It gets reciprocated ten times over.
And if they don't respond that way you want them to, know that that is okay. You're allowed to be upset, but it does not mean you have to take it out on them. Let yourself be upset in whatever way you need, and give them the grace of their own freewill. If it really bothers you, this is a discussion that can be had later on. If you want to know how to bring that up, I highly recommend listening to our podcast episode Communication 101.
Ultimately when considering asking for help, don't question whether or not your partner would do that for you. Don't expect them to be the person you fear they are. Let them show you, regardless of their answer, who they are. And if you do receive a no, don't give up asking for support.
We respect a person's freewill to say no here, AND we also don't let it stop us from asking for support in the future. We are human, just as they are. Each day, each MOMENT is different. Sometimes you will get support, other times you will have to support yourself and in those moments realise that you are showing yourself what you are made of, what you are capable of.
In the past, I made that mean that "I don't need anybody, I can do this myself." In reality, in those moments, all I need to do is embrace how proud I am that even though I was struggling, I still did the *thing* anyway.
The main message here is don't let someone's "no" harden your shell.
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We also put out a new podcast episode on WHY we should speak up, titled Speaking Up, Scammers, Free Education and the Moral of Avatar 2 if you want more content like this.
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